Are We Raising Children to Obey or to Choose? Body Autonomy, Consent and Boundaries

This is not permissive parenting, and it does not hand children control of the household. It is about using parental authority where it is truly needed, and making room for a child's voice everywhere else. Children who practise small choices build the confidence to make bigger ones.

Before birth: labour induction at 39–40 weeks and informed consent

Swati takes the question of autonomy further back than most of us would think to go: to the labour room.

"Are babies actually deciding when to come into the world? That is a big question we need to answer." Swati Jagdish

She hears from many mothers who were admitted and induced at 39 or 40 weeks without a clear medical reason, and who later wondered whether waiting two or three more days might have let labour begin on its own. Her point is not that induction is wrong. It is that a woman should understand why it is being recommended, and should be part of the decision.

The evidence here is genuinely nuanced, and parents deserve to know that. In the large US ARRIVE trial of 6,106 low-risk first-time mothers, planned induction at 39 weeks did not increase serious complications for babies and lowered caesarean rates, compared with waiting. The World Health Organization's 2022 recommendations on induction at or beyond term guide when induction is advised for uncomplicated pregnancies. Induction can also be necessary, and lifesaving, for conditions such as high blood pressure, reduced fetal movement or problems with the placenta.

So the real question is not "induction or no induction". It is whether the mother was given the information and the time to take part in the choice. Safe maternity care and respectful maternity care, which the WHO recommends for every woman in labour, should go together.

Questions to ask your doctor if induction is recommended:

1. What is the medical reason for inducing now?
2. What are the risks to me and my baby if we wait, and for how long would waiting be reasonable?
3. Which method of induction will you use, and what happens if it doesn't work?
4. How does induction change my chances of a caesarean in my particular case?
5. Can I take some time to think about it or talk it through with my partner?

If you are pregnant, please don't delay care your doctor recommends on the strength of anything you read online, including this article. Ask questions, ask for a second opinion if you need one, and make the decision together with your healthcare team.

When should you teach your child the names of private body parts?

There is no special age. Swati says you start the day you start naming eyes, ears, nose, head and shoulders. Private parts are parts of the body too, so they get their correct names: penis, vulva, vagina, not nicknames.

But she is clear that the vocabulary is the easy part. The harder part is what the parent is carrying.

"More than the name, more than what the parent is supposed to do, is the level of confidence and sexual shame that the parent is holding." Swati Jagdish

If a parent goes red, whispers or changes the subject, the child learns that this part of their body is embarrassing and that questions about it are unwelcome. A child who has learned that is less likely to come to you when something feels wrong. Swati also notes that parents with unresolved experiences of their own, including past abuse, may find these conversations especially hard, which is why a parent's own healing and inner work matter.

If saying these words out loud feels awkward, you are not alone. Most of us grew up in homes where these parts were never named. Practise the words in private first. Use a children's picture book on body safety. Talk to a counsellor if old feelings come up. You can learn alongside your child, and the responsibility for keeping them safe stays with the adults, whatever stage you are at.
 

How to explain body parts to a 3 or 4-year-old:

• Name private parts during bath time or nappy changes, in the same tone you use for elbows and knees.
• Explain simply: "Private parts are the parts covered by your underwear or swimsuit."
• Answer questions briefly and calmly. A short honest answer is better than a long nervous one.
• Explain who may help with private parts and when, such as a parent during bathing or a doctor with a parent present.

Is "good touch, bad touch" enough? Teach safe and unsafe touch instead

This was the part of the conversation that stayed with me longest. Swati says the "good touch, bad touch" framing that many of us grew up with, and many schools still use, is outdated. Educators now teach safe and unsafe touch and behaviour. She gives three reasons.

1. Abuse is not always touch. It can be showing a child pornographic clips, staring at their body, or sexually explicit or suggestive conversation. A rule that only talks about touch leaves all of that out.

2. Abusers groom first. Before any physical abuse, Swati explains, a potential abuser usually spends time grooming the child, building trust so that the child will not tell. By the time something happens, the child may feel close to that person.

3. "Good" and "bad" ask a young child to make a moral judgement. An inappropriate touch can sometimes feel physically pleasant, which leaves a young child confused. Swati points out that children of three, four and five are still developing the reasoning this kind of judgement needs.

Feelings, by contrast, need no reasoning. A child can recognise I feel scared, awkward, dirty, odd, weird, strange without working anything out.

"Feelings cannot be wrong. When a child feels unsafe, that is when they need to talk about it, report it, or stay away from that person." Swati Jagdish

This matters because, in India, most children who are sexually abused know the person who harms them. NCRB data show that in 96.6% of POCSO cases involving penetrative sexual assault in 2024, the offender was known to the child. "Stranger danger" alone will not protect them.

A simple body safety script for young children:

• "If anyone touches you, shows you something or says something that makes you feel scared, yucky or confused, tell me. You will never be in trouble for telling."
• "No one should ask you to keep a secret about your body. We have surprises in our family, like a birthday gift, but never secrets."
• "You can say no to a hug or a kiss, even from family. You can give a high-five instead."
• Help your child name three or four trusted adults they can go to.

Teaching body safety helps children speak up. It never makes them responsible for preventing abuse. That responsibility always rests with adults and the institutions around children. If you suspect a child is being harmed, call Childline 1098. India's POCSO Act, 2012, makes reporting child sexual abuse a legal duty.

Is body safety education the school's job or the parent's?

Swati holds a firm view: it is the parent's responsibility first. Schools are built around academics, sports and activities, and what a child learns at home sets the foundation.

She also sees schools stepping up. Two or three schools that attended her programmes have since added basic lessons on consent, body boundaries, safety, autonomy and bullying prevention. Children spend so many hours at school, and problems like bullying and shaming arise wherever people gather, that she believes every school needs trained teachers or counsellors ready to respond.

Mapabear's view is that both carry responsibility. Schools have their own duty to safeguard children, address bullying and act on disclosures, whatever is or isn't taught at home. If your child's school doesn't yet run age-appropriate body safety sessions, ask the principal or parent-teacher association what is planned.

How childhood boundaries shape women's autonomy

This is where the series gets its name. Swati describes many adult women she works with this way:

"We know the word NO, but we didn't know we could tell it." Swati Jagdish

A girl who was never encouraged to hold her own boundaries can grow into a woman who doesn't know where her body ends and another person's begins. When someone touches her in a way she dislikes, she may simply freeze. She may not have had the chance to learn what she needs, what she likes, what she will never allow, and what genuinely nourishes her.

Then, Swati says, that same woman faces some of the biggest decisions of her life, such as an unplanned conception, a pregnancy or childbirth, without the practised voice to set boundaries or speak for herself.

Childhood does not decide everything. Women's choices are also shaped by social expectations, institutions, money and unequal power, and no one who struggles to say no is to blame for the harm done to them. But parenting is one place where we can start asking different questions.

A child who learns today that their voice matters may be better equipped to stand up for themselves tomorrow.

This applies to sons as much as daughters. Raising boys who hear a "no" and respect it is the other half of the same lesson.

Autonomy doesn't mean deciding alone: finding your village

Autonomy is sometimes imagined as doing everything yourself. Swati rejects that idea, calling it a Western notion that doesn't fit how many Indian families actually live.

"At the end of the day, everybody needs their village. Everybody needs their community." Swati Jagdish

She is a strong supporter of community decision-making, with one important condition: who is in that community? Is it people who have ignored your preferences or harmed you? Or people who understand you, whose thinking you respect, and whose honest criticism you would welcome?

She describes two unhealthy extremes. Loose boundaries let anyone decide for you. Rigid boundaries sound like "Only I will decide, and I don't want anybody's help." Healthy boundaries sit in between.

This matters most during pregnancy and early parenthood, when advice arrives from every direction. Swati's guidance is to talk to your trusted circle, and when they don't have the answer, go to a professional who specialises in it: a doctor, lactation consultant, doula, therapist or childbirth educator.

"I will never tell a girl to just get some random information on social media and do what you want to do." Swati Jagdish

You don't need every answer. You need the right support.

Screen time: your child is watching your screen habits

Schools and organisations increasingly ask Swati to speak about parenting in the digital age, and her first point is about parents. Children copy what they see. If they see adults reading, cooking, exercising, playing sport or pursuing hobbies, they learn that life happens off-screen too.

Swati worries that children who spend all their time on screens struggle to socialise and to show emotion. Paediatricians in India share the concern about overuse. The Indian Academy of Pediatrics recommends:

The simplest change is often ours: phones away at meals, a screen-free hour before bed, and letting our children see us bored, busy or curious without a device.

Body literacy: the reproductive right that starts at home

When we asked Swati which reproductive rights every woman should have, her answer began with knowledge of her own body.

She imagines a girl who, from 13 or 14, understands her periods and the phases of her menstrual cycle, and notices how she feels and behaves in the follicular and luteal phases. By 25, Swati says, that young woman will have a deep understanding of her own body. She describes the level of disconnect many women have with their bodies today as the real problem.

Teaching daughters about periods early, without shame, is one of the most practical things parents can do. Talk about menstruation before it begins, use correct words, involve fathers too, and treat a first period as ordinary rather than secret.

Body literacy complements, but cannot replace, reproductive rights education, informed consent and professional medical advice. Tracking your cycle is not a reliable way on its own to predict fertility or decide when to conceive. Speak to a gynaecologist about contraception, fertility and planning a pregnancy.

Teaching consent and body autonomy by age: a checklist for parents

Babies (0–1 year)

• ☐ Notice when your baby turns away, unlatches or pushes the bottle away, and respect it.
• ☐ Talk your baby through nappy changes and baths: "Now I'm going to wash your legs."

Toddlers (1–3 years)

• ☐ Name every body part correctly, private parts included.
• ☐ Offer two simple choices a day: the red shirt or the blue one, banana or apple.
• ☐ Let them decide how much to eat from what you offer.

Preschoolers (3–5 years)

• ☐ Teach "private parts are covered by underwear or a swimsuit".
• ☐ Introduce safe and unsafe feelings, and "surprises, never secrets".
• ☐ Never force a hug or kiss with relatives. Offer a wave or high-five instead.
• ☐ Help them name three trusted adults.

School-age children (6–12 years)

• ☐ Talk about unsafe behaviour beyond touch, including online: messages, images, requests for secrecy.
• ☐ Explain puberty and periods before they start, for boys and girls alike.
• ☐ Ask your school what body safety and anti-bullying education it offers.

Teenagers (13+)

• ☐ Talk openly about consent in friendships and relationships, including respecting someone else's no.
• ☐ Encourage your daughter to understand her menstrual cycle, and your son to understand it too.
• ☐ Keep the door open: "You can tell me anything, and I'll help, not punish."

You, the parent

• ☐ Notice which words you still find hard to say, and practise them.
• ☐ Find your own support: a counsellor, a parenting group, a trusted friend.
• ☐ Model it: put your phone down, ask before you touch, and respect your child's no where it's safe to do so.

Frequently asked questions

What is body autonomy for kids?

Body autonomy means a child's right to have a say over their own body, such as whether to hug someone, when they're full, or what feels uncomfortable. Parents still make health, hygiene and safety decisions. Body autonomy develops gradually from infancy and is learned through everyday moments.

At what age should I teach my child the names of private parts?

From toddlerhood, at the same time you teach eyes, ears and nose. Use the correct words: penis, vulva and vagina. Correct names help children describe their bodies to a doctor or trusted adult and show them their bodies are nothing to be ashamed of.

What should I teach instead of good touch and bad touch?

Teach safe and unsafe touch and behaviour. Explain that if anyone's touch, words or actions make them feel scared, uncomfortable or confused, they should tell a trusted adult and will never be in trouble for it. Feelings are a more reliable guide for young children than deciding whether something is "good" or "bad".

Should I force my child to finish their food?

No. With responsive feeding, parents decide what food is offered and when, and the child decides how much to eat. Pressure to finish the plate can teach children to ignore fullness cues. Talk to your paediatrician if you're worried about growth or eating.

How do I balance my child's autonomy with discipline?

Use consequences as your guide. Let your child decide low-stakes things such as clothes, play and how much to eat. Keep decisions about health, hygiene and safety, such as seatbelts, vaccines and crossing the road, for yourself, and explain why.

Is labour induction at 39 weeks safe?

For many low-risk pregnancies, research suggests induction at 39 weeks is safe and can lower the chance of a caesarean. It is also sometimes medically necessary. Whatever the reason, you have the right to understand why it is being recommended and to take part in the decision with your doctor.

How much screen time is okay for children in India?

The Indian Academy of Pediatrics recommends no screens for children under 2, up to 1 hour a day of supervised screen time for ages 2 to 5, and less than 2 hours a day for ages 5 to 10.

A closing note from the editor

What struck me most in this conversation is how ordinary these lessons are. They don't happen in one big "talk". They happen over a plate of dal rice, in the bath, when an uncle leans in for a hug, and in the hours we spend on our own phones while our children watch.

None of us will get it all right. Many of us are learning these words for the first time as adults, and that deserves compassion rather than guilt. The conversations we never had growing up can become the conversations our children never have to fear.

Watch the conversation: follow The Right to Decide on Mapabear's Instagram, YouTube and WhatsApp channel, where the reels from this episode are being released.

Tell us: what's one thing you were taught as a child that you're choosing to do differently with your own? Share it in the comments or write to editor@mapabear.in.

Mapabear Editorial Note: The views expressed are those of the guest. This article is for awareness and does not replace advice from your doctor, paediatrician or a qualified counsellor. Body safety education should be age-appropriate, and the responsibility for preventing child sexual abuse always rests with adults, never children. If you suspect a child is at risk, call Childline 1098.

Sources

• Feminism in India, Swati Jagdish aka Maya's Amma: Initiating Conversations Shushed by Shame
• Swati Jagdish, Maya's Amma on Instagram
• WHO and UNICEF, Nurturing young children through responsive feeding, 2023
• Grobman et al., Labor Induction versus Expectant Management in Low-Risk Nulliparous Women (ARRIVE trial), New England Journal of Medicine, 2018
• World Health Organization, WHO recommendations on induction of labour, at or beyond term, 2022
• Oladapo et al., WHO model of intrapartum care for a positive childbirth experience, BJOG, 2018
• Dataful, POCSO Cases in India: Adolescents and Known Offenders Dominate the Data (NCRB Crime in India data)
• Odisha State Commission for Protection of Child Rights, The POCSO Act, 2012
• CHILDLINE India Foundation, Childline 1098
• Indian Academy of Pediatrics, Guidelines on Screen Time and Digital Wellness in Infants, Children and Adolescents, Indian Pediatrics, 2022